Co-dependency

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natasha -

Co-dependency is complex and difficult to define. There are various different definitions for co-dependency. The reason why it is important to define co-dependency is that it helps to determine what the solution should be.

One of the ways that co-dependency can be defined, is that it can be seen as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another person who is affected with a pathological condition. In other words, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of another (Wikipedia.) The co-dependent person can also be seen as a partner in dependency. Certain definitions look at the cause, others look at the effect – or the overall condition, and some look at the symptoms or the patterns of the co-dependent person. Co-dependency can also be seen as a person who has let another person’s behaviour effect him, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour. Some people see co-dependency as a disease, and some see at as a normal reaction to abnormal people.

In terms of the characteristics of co-dependency, the habits or behaviour of co-dependents are self-destructive. It can also be characterised by low self-esteem or self-worth, denial, and extreme compliance or control patterns. They can also be described as being hostile and manipulative. These negative thoughts explain why people stay in relationships that are not good for them. The behaviour of a co-dependent person can therefore reach destructive and unhealthy levels, as they go beyond the normal levels of caregiving or self-sacrifice, and they often take on the role of a martyr. The co-dependent person has a “victim mentality”. They usually forget to take care of themselves, and put others needs ahead of their own. They are always in search of acceptance, and have a sense of being “needed”. They often cannot identify or solve their own problems, and have no insight into themselves. In summary, the characteristics of some co-dependent people may include: being a caretaker, exhibiting low self-worth,  often repress their own feelings, obsess a  great deal of the time, are controlling,  are in denial,  feel responsible for people, have weak boundaries, and poor communication skills, and may have  trust or anger issues. Most co-dependents are rescuers or enablers

In terms of recovery of co-dependency, the recovery lies lies within the co-dependent person himself, and the way he has allowed the other person’s behaviour to effect him. They need to find their own recovery or healing process There are various different options for the recovery for the co-dependent person which include support groups, or family intervention. The co-dependent person needs to learn to do things differently and to change. The first step towards change is awareness, and the second step is acceptance.  It is essential for the co-dependent person to learn to have control over their lives and deal with their co-dependency, as well as learning to solve their own problems

The co-dependent person needs to change his attitude, in order to bring about change within himself. In addition it is essential to remember that each person is unique and each situation is different. Each co-dependent person has a unique experience, as a result of his own circumstances, personality and history. The goal for most recovery programmes for co-dependents is detachment, which would involve accepting reality, and having faith in themselves. Co-dependents need to learn to depend on themselves, learn to take care of and trust themselves. Goal setting is important, as it gives one direction and purpose. The co-dependent person also needs to be able to deal with feelings, perhaps working a 12 step programme. They need to learn how to accept things, learn to be assertive, learn to live again and then being able to move forward. If co-dependency is not addressed, it can result in further self-destructive or self-defeating behaviours.

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