This article is based on a book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. His basic premise is that love is not expressed by what you need or feel. He feels that true love expresses the other person’s needs. Therefore, a person’s most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be sincerely loved by another.
In Chapman’s book he outlines five ways to express love that he calls “love languages”. These are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Emotionally people need to receive love and it is therefore important to speak the love language of your spouse. It is thus imperative to understand each other’s unique needs.
Most couples do not have the same primary love language. This leads to misunderstandings and confusion in the relationship as to what we are trying to communicate or how we are loving the other. It is thus essential, according to this approach, to understand our own primary love language as well as the primary love language of our spouse, which will result in a loving, long lasting marriage. He also discusses the concept of the “emotional love tank”. Inside many couples there may exist an “emotional love tank” that has its gauge on empty. He predicts that if that “tank” was filled, it may be possible to resolve conflicts, and be able to discuss differences that the couple may have in their relationship. It is therefore crucial in a marriage to keep the emotional tank full, because it effects a person’s behaviour, and results in the person feeling secure in your love.
Initially in a relationship there is the stage of “falling in love”. This could be compared to “the romantic love” stage that Harville Hendrix discusses in his book “Getting the love you want, a guide for couples”. Following this stage, certain behaviours and characteristics of our partner may start to irritate us. This is the stage Hendrix refers to as the “power struggle”, and it’s at this stage that many couples separate. Chapman feels that there is a difference between the “in love experience” and the “emotional need to be loved”.
A brief explanation of each love language will follow:
Words of affirmation:
This can be described as giving complements to your spouse to express affirmation. The tone of voice used and the manner in which we speak is also important. This may be difficult for people who tend to be critical.
Quality time:
This refers to giving your partner your full attention, and spending time together focusing on each other’s needs, which will result in a feeling of togetherness.
Receiving Gifts
This is important to some people, as for them gifts may be seen as an expression of love
Acts of Service
This refers to doing things for your spouse that you know he/ she would like .e.g. helping around the house
Physical Touch:
For many couples this can be a powerful expression of love, and a way of communicating emotional love
I would add a 6th language of love, “the language of space or silence”, as I feel that it’s important that your partner be given space to be themselves.
In order to discover your primary love language, Chapman has a profile at the back of his book for husbands, and a separate one for wives, that can be completed and discussed. It is vital to discover your partners primary love language in order to keep his/ her emotional tank full. Another way to find out what your primary love language is, would be to look at what makes you feel the most loved and appreciated by your spouse. When we have discovered our own and our partners language of love, then we chose to speak the right love language, even if it’s difficult, or unnatural for us, as this will benefit the relationship in the long term . This, in turn will full up the emotional tank of the partner, which will result in an increase of self-esteem and a feeling of being valued and validated by your partner
References:
Chapman, G., “The Five Love Languages”, how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate” .,3rd ed., Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 2004
Hendrix, H., “Getting the love you want, a guide for couples”.,3rd ed.,Pocket books, Great Britain, 2005
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com
http://www.garychapman.org
http://www.wikipedia.org/wik/the-five-love-languages
http://youtube.com/watch (five languages of love:-couples communication)
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