Many parents feel a certain amount of distress, anxiety or discomfort when speaking to their children about their divorce because they are concerned about how the children will react. They are most often concerned that their children will not be able to handle the news. This can be painful because it symbolises the end of the “old” family unit and the beginning of “new” family relationships. In general, while children do not usually take kindly to hearing the news of their parent’s separation, and may have a difficult time with the divorce, they initially do respond in fairly typical ways according to their developmental stage.
Looking at the effect of divorce on children, it is essential to realise that children need to be prepared for divorce, and that the conditions and the circumstances of the divorce need to be explained to them. The negative effects of the divorce on children will be reduced if the parents explain what’s going on, in a way that they can understand; they also need to know what will change and what will remain the same for them. This is essential, as children need as much stability as possible. If possible the children should also have regular contact with both parents during and after the divorce. Parents should make joint decisions concerning their parenting and future care of their children. If possible the parents should try to make the divorce as amicable as possible.
The way that children interpret and perceive their parents divorce can have long term effects on their own relationships and how they look at and perceive themselves, it can also affect their view of the world. Sometimes parents can neglect to consider the effects and implications of divorce on their children. It is important for them to understand how children react to and view divorce, and they need to realise that the relationship between the parents, during and after the divorce, is essential to help the children overcome their difficulties associated with this event and minimize the emotional turmoil they are going through. In terms of the reactions of the child to the divorce, there are many factors that play a role in how the child will react to this news, such as personality, flexibility and the resilience of the child. In addition, the circumstance of the divorce play a role, as well as the co-operation or conflict between the parents.
Divorce can be an upsetting and scary time for children, and they may experience feelings of rejection, guilt, feeling split, shame and embarrassment, lonely, sad confused, anger or feel deprived, sometimes they feel extra responsibility as well. Parents who are prepared to end their marriage in a healthy and mature way can reduce the negative effects of divorce on children. It is thus essential to be sensitive to how each child is reacting to and handling this difficult experience.
Age appropriate reaction of children is important to consider. There are different reactions to divorce depending on the age of the child and for each age various suggestions can be made in order to deal with the situation.
Some ways that parents can help children understand and cope with divorce are:
- Make sure that the children understand that they did not cause the divorce – some children blame themselves
- The reason for the divorce needs to be explained to the child
- Children still need boundaries and rules, as well as their normal routine – this provides security for the child.
- If possible try to spend time alone with each child, so that he/she feels special
- Do not say negative things about the other parent to the children
- Do not let the child feel that he is in the middle and has to take sides.
- The custody agreement should be based on what is in the best interests of the children.
- The child should be allowed to express his feelings regarding the divorce
- The parents should try to focus, if possible, on the one-to-one relationship with the child
- Children will feel more secure if the parents show love and commitment to them
- Check that each child’s reaction to the divorce is appropriate to his developmental level
- To understand that whatever response the child has to the divorce, it may be the beginning of grieving, and to be aware that we all grieve in different ways.
- The parents should try to deal with the divorce in a mature way, which will be helpful to the children.
- Do not use your child as a messenger between parents.
- Try to keep open communication between parent and child
- Try to continue to parent or be a parent, not to a friend, to the child
In certain cases a child may need a therapist but this is not always the case – e.g. if the parents are emotionally unavailable. Therapy can be useful in helping a child to identify his/her feelings that he/she may find difficult to share with his parents, and the therapist could also provide some strategies to help manage those feelings. The therapist can encourage the parents to provide a stable environment, and engage in supportive communication with both the child and parents. The parents may need some parenting strategies to assist them with navigating parenting while in the process of a divorce.
In conclusion, it is understood that the way a divorce is dealt with is critical to promoting a healthy adjustment to a new situation in the lives of the children involved. Every child will need his parents to support him during a divorce. Thus the most important recommendations would be to ensure positive relationships with both parents and their children during and after the divorce.
References:
-Family life centre, Divorce and remarriage, counselling training course, August 2010
–http://www. mediate.com/articles/saposnek3.cfm
–http://www.ericdigests.org/pre-925/divorce.htm
-Articles by Walter Brown, 2007, Fred Zucconi, 2006, Robert Stone, 2006
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