The word, “No” is the most powerful and influential word in our language and also, potentially, the most destructive. For most people it is a difficult word to say. However when it is used correctly, it has the power to change our lives for the better.
Most of us face a dilemma many times each day, the dilemma of how or whether to say “no”. Many people struggle with this as they are concerned that they will ruin relationships with bosses, lose their clients, or upset family members. We can end up saying “yes” when we want to say “no”. Some people use avoidance because they are afraid of upsetting or offending others. By avoiding the issue they hope the problem will go away. They suppress their anger and feel resentful. Being able to say “no”, has always been important, but in today’s times it’s an essential skill to learn. People are under pressure, stressed, are often burned out, and battle to juggle the demands of work with family. Learning to say “no” can be difficult and challenging – however, if we learn how to say a positive no, it will empower us to stand up for ourselves without harming our relationships, and we can be true to ourselves.
In his book “The power of positive No, how to say No and still get to Yes”, Ury describes the process of a positive no. He discusses various phases that one would need to go through in order to achieve this and to empower yourself. He feels that when we learn how to say a “positive no”, it can effect positive difference in our lives. In saying “no”, we make time and space for what we want, we are protecting what we value. We are changing our situation for the better. The simple act of saying no positively can improve the quality of our lives, our happiness at home, and our success at work. This takes confidence, courage, empathy, patience and persistence, but the rewards are huge and it can result in a better world for our families based on dignity and mutual respect.
Stephanie Sterner, has written many articles where she discusses saying no to difficult people, and setting boundaries. She relates the difficulties that people have about saying “no” to not having clear boundaries. She states that good boundaries are important in order to improve our relationships, and also to enable us to be more productive. If we like to please people this can be a difficult process. We, therefore, need some guidelines to help us to choose between being assertive and seeking approval. We need to begin to understand ourselves more and the world that we live in.
It is important to learn to say no in a respectful way. We often say yes to things that don’t work for us, we give in too easily and then feel angry and resentful with ourselves for allowing this to happen. This cycle will keep on repeating itself, unless we try to understand why we are doing this and what is happening. She discussed 5 tactics that people use, to keep us saying yes.
The 5 tactics that are discussed, that keep us saying yes, are:
- Withholding approval – A person will have power over you if you need the approval of others to feel good about yourself. You can start making better choices once you feel good and more comfortable about yourself.
- Playing the sympathy card – Certain people know how to play the victim and try to persuade us that they can’t manage without us. We usually feel sorry for those in need, but the best suggestion would be to help these people deal with the consequences of their actions themselves.
- Wearing us down and not taking no for an answer – Some people never give up and keep on trying to persuade you and wear you down until you give in to them. The way to deal with this tactic is to know how to end a conversation and keep it ended
- Downplay your feelings – Certain people can be extremely manipulative. You need to be careful of these types of people who downplay your feelings. To deal with this tactic try not to let others convince you that your feelings and thoughts are unimportant and incorrect, just because they say so. You need to believe that your opinion is just as important as everyone else’s
- The good old fashioned guilt trip – This is used often as a tactic to make you feel guilty about saying no. Guilt can therefore be seen as a powerful weapon. The way to deal with this tactic would be to walk away and think carefully about the situation while trying to remain true to yourself, your belief system and your values.
The people that use these tactics can have an advantage over you, and as a result you can feel guilty and hopeless. However when one is able to identify and recognise the tactics that some people use, and you are able to deal with the emotions that they trigger in you, as well as knowing how to respond to them, then you can take your power back. You will be empowered enough to say “no”, which in turn can make your life easier.
References:
-Ury, W, “The Power of a Positive No”, Hodder & Stoughton, Great Britain 2007
–http://www.amazon.com/Stephanie-Sterner/e/ B007q9KVFC
-http:// www.set-your-boundaries-your-way.com/blog
-http:// facebook.com/Set. Boundaries, Without. Feeling.Guilty
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