Most of us have experienced shyness at some stage in our lives. Certain people battle to make social connections comfortably. Children can often be labelled as being shy. Some people find it difficult to understand shyness, they assume that if a child is shy he must have problems. They also believe a shy child must have a poor self-image, which is not necessary true. A Shy child can have a good self-concept but be a quiet child who is slow to warm up to strangers. It is therefore important to realise that being shy may not be a negative quality. It can be seen as a positive or negative aspect of a child, depending on the way it’s handled, particularly the attitude of the parents towards the child. It has been said that being shy is not a fault, but can rather be seen as a personality trait. It has also been noticed that most shy people are good listeners. Some people feel that being shy is part of being an introvert, and it may, in certain cases, be associated with a traumatic occurrence or life experience. Certain children may struggle to feel comfortable in a particular social situation but may relax when they become desensitised or used to the situation. These children may just need patience and guidance, and often outgrow their shyness as they grow and mature.
Parents can be concerned when their child is shy and clams up in a crowd, or approaches social situations and relationships cautiously. They may be unsure that the child is just shy but concerned that it is possibly a more serious problem. It is important for a parent to be aware of the normal developmental phases of a child. Before 2 years of age, he or she may be spontaneous, but often between 2 and 4 years, the child goes through a stage of stranger anxiety – social retreating or withdrawal may be a normal stage of development. A child may need professional help if their shyness impacts on their social development and education and the problem is considered to be acute. In this case it is recommended that a child is assessed as early as possible – shyness in certain cases can result in low self-esteem which can predispose a youngster to substance abuse and can even result in various conditions such as depression.
There are a number of ways that a parent of a “shy” child can help:
(many of these ideas are suggested by Dr Androula Ladikos, and Dr Annemarie Potgieter, who are psychiatrists, as well as Patricia Tau, an educational psychologist)
- Refrain from calling a child shy. One should avoid labels, especially in front of the child, as this is the way he will begin to define himself. Lables also affect the way other people treat your child.
- Nurture the child: Any child will learn to trust and feel secure with his primary caregiver if his needs are noticed from babyhood and the caregiver responds to them.
- Empathise: If you push a child too much, it will results in resistance. Instead it is important to acknowledge how the child is feeling and reflect the feelings without criticising, which will in turn build up the child’s confidence.
- Encourage: It is important to try and build up self-esteem in a child. This can be achieved by allowing a child to do things on his own without correcting him, or being too controlling. You can also find your child’s strengths and talents, and use positive reinforcement, which will make them feel special. It is thus important to try and see the child’s traits as positive – e.g. instead of saying he is “quiet”, you can say he is “focused”, and instead of saying he is “shy”, you could say he is “reserved”.
- Model: A Child learns from observing adult behaviour. It is therefore essential to act as a good model (model respect, tolerance and forgiveness) which will shape your child’s future behaviour. If the parents is a good model it can help to create a relaxed attitude to social interactions and teach the child good social skills, ( e.g. smiling at people, greeting people, paying compliments, making eye contact and being friendly)
- Facilitate: One can invite children to come and play, starting with one child at a time. Involve the child in various sports or cultural activates and get the teacher to involve the child in different class activities.
- Role play: A good idea would be to understand which areas the child struggles with and to “act them out”, e.g. making conversation, eye contact, shaking hands etc., these are seen as basic social skills
- Respect: Respect the child’s needs: e.g. if you ask him to perform or speak in front of others and he refuses, accept and respect his decisions.
- Applaud: Positive reinforcement and encouragement is essential for every attempt the child will make to socialise on his own. A child also needs to learn that sometimes failure is okay
- Step Back: There are parents who speak for their child, and are too dominant. It’s important to provide your child with time to respond; otherwise it appears as if you don’t have confidence in their abilities and skills, and this may encourage them to withdraw from speaking situations, which you don’t want. If the parents would learn to be more reserved around the “shy” child, then the child would become more outgoing.
In conclusion, it is evident that most children do outgrow shyness. One should seek professional help under the following conditions: when they avoid eye contact and interaction, they are socially isolated, or become more withdrawn, have learning or behavioural problems, have a family history of anxiety disorders, depression or substance abuse, leave other people feeling uncomfortable in their presence, or have a great deal of underlying anger. In this case the child’s shyness may be a sign of inner problems, and would need to be treated.
References:
-Child Magazine, Cape Town’s Best Guide for Parents, May 2014, “How to deal with a shy child”, by Glynis Horning
–http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/child……8 way-help-shy-child
–http://ahaparenting,com/parenting-tools/raise……kids
–http://shakeyourshyness.com/parentingshychildren.htm
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