Domestic abuse is present at all levels of society and can happen in any relationship regardless of ethnic group, income level, religion, education or sexual orientation. Women and children are the most common victims and substance abuse can be a problem adding to the abuse. The term domestic abuse or domestic violence incorporates all forms of abuse that go beyond physical abuse, it can includes sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological, economic abuses, intimidation, harassment, stalking, and the abuser may use intimidating tactics of control. Violence is a behaviour that is learned in abusive families, but violent behaviour can be unlearned. The only person who can stop the abuse is the person being abusive. Domestic abuse can be defined as a pattern of behaviours that are used to control a partner or other family members. Abusers often hit people as they have a need to dominate the situation. Domestic violence is thus about power and control. A person being abused can take the necessary steps to protect his/herself from the abuse and increase his/her safety, but he/she cannot stop the abuser from carrying out his abusive behaviour.
Women who suffer from abuse exhibit higher levels of social dysfunction and health problems. For most woman in these situations, it takes an enormous amount of strength and determination to find the courage to break free from an abuser, but there are woman who have had the courage to overcome enormous obstacles in their lives and choose to be free of the abuse.
Many people ask why woman stay in abusive relationships. There are many complex reasons as to why this occurs, including the fact that they often have children, and will battle to support themselves and their children if they leave the abuser. Escaping is often a frightening option for them but the long term benefits, both for a woman and her children, are worth the struggle. Despite the emotional and physical turmoil that woman in these situations go through, they can create a new life. The most important first step is getting out of the abusive situation and then, secondly, staying out of the situation. The cycle of abuse can be broken. Some further reasons to explain why women stay in abusive relationships is that most abusers act remorseful after the abuse or violence, and some woman even blame themselves for the violence, they believe that they are part of the problem. A woman may also feel afraid to speak of the abuse and often don’t have the energy and the strength necessary to leave an abusive relationship. It can be, that is spite of the way a woman is treated, she still loves her abuser. A woman may feel safer in an abusive relationship because the abuser is her only psychological support system. She may be too afraid to leave due to threats made in the past. She could even be severely depressed, or may not be aware of the resources and help she can get within the community. She may fear losing her job or having her reputation ruined. In addition, she may also have feelings of low self-worth. Even fear of loneliness can prevent her from leaving an abusive relationship, or can result in her getting involved in another unhealthy relationship.
Many women who are in abusive relationships suffer in silence due to the stigma and the shame attached to the abuse. However it is essential to be aware that domestic abuse is never acceptable. When we, the members of the public, are apathetic and fail to help, we are simply perpetuating the problem. Violence in our country that affects woman and children has become a way of life and it’s up to all of us to break that cycle. We need to attend to this problem because it affects us all. Unless we speak out about the abuse in our society, more woman will suffer. Woman should be empowered to break the silence.
The cycle of abuse is a social cycle theory that explains the patterns of behaviour in an abusive relationship. There are predictable repetitions of certain behaviours and the cycle of abuse may be confusing to victims. They often don’t want the relationship to end, just the violence that effects their everyday existence. What usually occurs in the cycle of the abuse, is that the abuser may become extremely apologetic, remorseful, and more loving following the abuse, and may attempt to manipulate the victim into overlooking the abuse and forgiving them. The cycle of tension and violence, followed by what some refer to as the “honeymoon period”, this may be difficult for the victim to understand. It is difficult to escape from the cycle of abuse as the abuser often does not want to stop control he achieves this through his abuse. The victim thus has low self-worth, no self-confidence and can experience feelings of helplessness. The cycle of abuse can be extremely destructive for the victim. The phases in the cycle start off with the tension building, followed by the incident, the making up, or reconciliation, and the calm that follows. This cycle can occur many times in a relationship. However, one must realise that not all domestic violence relationships fit into this cycle.
In order to break the cycle of abuse some woman say that talking about the past and dealing with it is the only way to move on and be able to lead a healthy life.They come to terms with what they have been through. This is seen to be crucial to the healing process. Victims need to work through the incidents and not repress their own memories.
Ways to help an abused woman:
- Counselling may be necessary in some cases. The primary goal of counselling would be to stop the violence and not necessarily to save the relationship. In counselling a woman in an abusive relationship can learn how to have control over her well-being. She would need to learn to love herself again, feel empowered, and learn to say no and to trust her instincts. Support groups can also be useful because it would be helpful to be around other people who have gone through similar experiences. The 3 stages of recovery for an adult survivor are thus: remembering, mourning and healing.
- Further ways to help a victim, as in the case of a friend that you may know is being abused – one could be sympathetic, listen without judging, become informed, help her to find appropriate resources that could assist her, focus on her strengths, make sure she is aware of the fact that the abuse is not her fault, show her, that as a friend, you are there for her and will support her so she knows that she is not alone. Suggest a safety plan in case of emergency.
- It is important to continuously support your friend who is being abused, it can eventually result in her making a life changing decision. The victim can also get a protection order by going to court, filling in an affidavit, and getting legal representation.
- It is important to be aware that after a woman has been in an abusive relationship, even once it’s over and they have had the courage to leave, they may be anxious and suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Once the woman has left the abusive relationship, she may need guidance in terms of where to stay, her finances, and finding the appropriate resources to help her.
In conclusion, one needs to realise that there are many courageous woman who have been able to break away from abusive relationships, and eventually find inner peace. This takes courage and often some intervention, but it can be done. We cannot ignore the need to take into account the effects of the abuse on future generations. Even if children do not see the abuse, they can know it is happening and may believe that physical or verbal abuse is the norm for conflict resolution, this can impact negatively on their future lives. The cycle of violence often continues to the next generation.
Help/useful telephone numbers:
-POWA: 011 6424345
-Stop woman abuse national toll free hotline: 0800150150
-Famsa: National office: 0119757106/7
-Famsa, Gauteng branch: 0117884784
-SADAG: 011 2626396
-Life line/childline: 021 461111
References:
Boucher, J, “Escaping Domestic Abuse, How Woman Get Out and Stay Out”, Whitaker house, USA, 2009
–http://www. heart-2 heart.ca/woman/page5.htm
–http://www,domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence
–http://healthyme.com/topic/depabuse2
–http://en,Wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
-Pamphlet from family life centre, “Domestic Viiolence”
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